“My minds telling me no, but my body, my body is telling me yyyyeeessss”

Three part story

2/3

When it all went down, I went looking to see if anyone else struggled the way I did. Did anyone else walk this celibacy life and fell weak to flesh. Like I was everywhere, looking for books and YouTube videos. Like someone tell me they messed up but they are in a better situation now. Tell me there is light at the end of this tunnel. I found nothing, nothing like my story.

But God!

God has shown me that I have forgiven, He has shown me that I am grieving from a loss of what I have been holding on to  for seven years. He took me back to my steps I posted on “How to grieve properly.” I’m not pregnant and no STD’s.

My nephew has unleashed a love I didn’t know was possible to have, the disappointment of no one wanting to even be my friend because I was celibate, my lack of self esteem and patience are all the voids I was trying to fill with this one action.

God has already provided this all for me but I did not see it in the mist of the storm, I lost hope that someone would want me. God was giving me what I was asking for which is what he does, especially if you keep asking him. I was asking to fill this void that all the things above had a hold over me with an action with someone who I thought was trustworthy, a friend that I thought would never use me like the others he has come across. With an action that I was missing that I thought would fulfill me.

But see God protects you even in your wrong. Say it takes ten steps to get you to what you want. He allowed me to take step one out of the ten just to show me what I wanted is not what I need or what He wants for me. And then He has mercy on you and puts you right back on track with a clean slight. That’s my daddy! He gives you want you need, which turns into what you want and makes a complete full circle.

The human body will keep going until it feels wrong, that’s when it’ll change your thoughts, God knows how He made us.

How do I grieve properly with this one?

—–Change my prespective.

I used to say- I lost something that I held on to for seven years to a bum.

I changed it to- God has given me what I was asking for to show me this is not what I need and saved me before I got to deep into this situation.

I would- cry because I fell for words but no actions when I’m smarter than that.

Now – I don’t cry any more because God was honoring my request even if I didn’t say it in words just to bring me back to Him and His presences.

—–Made it a goal to get through the day.

I would forgive myself and forgive him everytime it popped up in my head.

——Get someone to vent too.

I called up my sis from another Ms, my Janay in a heart beat.

——Accept it won’t happen over night.

But it will tomorrow. See this happened awhile ago. God has been telling me to type this up everyday but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m able to tell my story now because I searched real deep for the courage to do so.

—–Acknowledge and celebrate your growth

Celebrating with a menstrual cycle .

TO BE CONTINUED…

2 thoughts on ““My minds telling me no, but my body, my body is telling me yyyyeeessss”

  1. Seeing God at work for you makes the struggle easier , a little at a time. He knows we are weak but he keeps showing us the way . I am happy that u have arrived at this junction in your quest for answers. Continue praying and see what our Father is doing for us .

    Liked by 1 person

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